Welcoming Baby #4

Baby girl gremlin joined the family summer of 2017.

It’s been way too long, Utter Dadness readers. Sincerest apologies for that. If it’s any consolation, the hamsters that make me go are basically just spinning with their wheels at this point. I honestly don’t know how my wife and I have carried on these past ten months.

Let me bring you up to speed.

  1. We had another baby last summer.

And that’s it, really. I mean, that’s not it, not by a long shot, but that’s the part that matters. Most of you wouldn’t be able to read beyond that anyway; your jaws are most likely dragging against the carpet as we speak. Free tip, don’t use them as a dust pan.

But really, after having three children in relatively rapid succession, people started looking at us like we were Amish. With four…they give us a wide berth.

Having four children where we live definitely changes things. Folks give you free used stuff all the time. They don’t even ask. It’s because they assume that, 1) with so many children, everything you own is broken, and 2) you are poor.

They’re not wrong, and combining our daily lunches with dinners (“linners”) is starting to sound more and more tempting.

But for our part we did get our girl, though that wasn’t the reason behind wanting four children[i]. She is a fantastic baby, who doesn’t cry unless there’s reason for it, smiles at the sight of you, laughs and coos and is otherwise completely false advertisement for how she’ll end up being during her formidable teenage years.

Four children also means no food in the house. Ever. If we are five minutes late for dinner, the two-year-old sits in his chair and starts gnawing on the table. The six-year-old out-eats everyone, and the four-year-old finishes his entire plate and then seconds of whatever green stuff is there before telling us he doesn’t like it. I used to wonder how Garfield, the cartoon cat of the 80s and 90s, could eat an entire lasagna in one bite, dish and all. Watching my oldest eat, it now seems less far-fetched.

So yes, we are Amish now…or at least really busy, and that isn’t likely to change.

I have been posting YouTube videos of some guitar songs I’ve written over the years—an attempt to find another creative outlet to temper the stress of it all. The only problem is, most of my guitar playing comes after midnight, as it’s the only free time I really have. So, between guitar playing and sleep, I opt for guitar, and I’m not even sorry.

I hope to be able to post more consistently about our crazy lives with four kids. In the meantime, here’s to another year of chaos and many more to follow.

[i] The real reasons being the calling to have another child, the want for even numbers of kids, delusion and foolishness, etc.


Original Song: “Don’t Wake the Two-Year-Old”

Wrote a song a while back about my then two-year-old (now four) and how he struggles to wake up in the morning. Hope you enjoy. Lyrics are below.

You can also check out my YouTube channel.

Lyrics by Phil Partington

It’s 6 a.m. You try to sleep in
But with the sunrise, a child creeps in-
Side your room and as sure as snot
You’re utterly doomed

But thankfully, the toddler still sleeps
For morning time brings out the beast
With fingers crossed, you dare to take a peek
And suddenly sneeze

Don’t wake the two-year-old
He breathes fire out past his cheeks
Gets in your mind. Twists your dreams.
Makes you cry. Makes you scream.

There ain’t no monster under his bed.
He scratched and clawed it, till it was dead.
With beady eyes and gnarled teeth,
My two-year-old is the monster you see.

It’s time to hide.
This is no place for foolish pride.
Your heroism will not fly this time.

No time for myself.
I need a nap like nothing else.
And when he grows up, I hope to hell
He has four like himself.

Don’t wake the two-year-old
He breathes fire out past his cheeks
Gets in your mind. Twists your dreams.
Makes you cry. Makes you scream.

Don’t wake the two-year-old.



Recommended Read: “Go the F**k to Sleep”

GtFtSYes, it’s a little crass, but it’s a worthy read for any parent of small children. Adam Mansbach’s Go the F**k to Sleep says what all parents of young kids think but can’t say. My sister in-law gifted me this book one Christmas a couple of years ago, and I laugh every time I read it. What’s more, there is a Samuel L Jackson reading of it on YouTube–it’s the part he was born for. Jennifer Garner also gave it a try, but I think Jackson’s is much better.

You can purchase Go the F**k to Sleep on Amazon.